male chauvinsitic pig

Conjugal Relations

Jacques Delacroix Liberty

My wife and I are discussing our investments. We don’t have investments because we belong to the hated 1% – wish we did – but because neither of us has a pension. She is annoyed because she does not understand some arcane point of finance.

Promise me you will die after me she blurts out. (She does not want to learn new, boring stuff.)

I don’t think so, I say, without missing a beat.

Selfish, self-centered, narcissistic, sexually ambivalent bastard, she throws out across the kitchen table!

The last charge holds no truth at all. I am a straightforward crude T and A guy. She is just doing her best to make me feel the horror of her hatred for me at that moment.

Yes, I know, men and women are almost exactly the same. That’s except when they are not. Would I ever think of calling her the same?

How about that coffee you promised me, I ask innocently?

I won’t prepare it because you refuse to promise that you will die even one second after me and you can put the coffee up your… (Note the illogicality.)

If you keep using this rude language, I threaten, I will put it on my blog.

You wouldn’t dare, she exclaims.

Done!

A Zoo in the Streets

Jacques Delacroix Current Events

A couple of years ago the kind of youngish women who spend two hours a day seven/seven at the beach starting showing up in the streets in tights, with nothing on top. Before I could catch my breath, the same streets were turned into zoos. I mean women who don’t spend two hours a day at the gym, or an hour a week, began joining the fad. Then, it was camels on one side (camel toes, actually), hippopotamuses on the other side.

The total horror! It makes you wonder if American women have any real girlfriends, friends close enough to say, “Don’t do it honey,” or boyfriends men enough to say, “Who do you think you are going with in this outfit, honey?”

I am almost sure this does not happen in France because French women have mean girlfriends.

I have been neglecting this blog because I am busy with the nth proofing of my manuscript: I Used to Be French: An Immature Autobiography. I will be back soon, I think.