One thought on “Eye candy: Azimuthal Argentina, 1975

  1. Thank you for this, Brandon! In the event you find yourself beset by critics carping that the world is burning down around us while you fritter away your talents ruminating about Antarctica (a continent that existentially affronts devotees of “settled science” inasmuch as it’s still there), we wanted you to know that we empathize. We wish we better understood the “strategic implications” that strike you as “self-evident,” but nobody currently in the WOOF cave is good at interpreting exotic maps. Suffice it that until you improved our understanding, we thought Azimuthal was the demon previously in possession of Linda Blair.

    True, our ranks still include one retired Navy commander who is adept in such matters, but he hasn’t been around much since one of our articles–to which he contributed a few paragraphs advocating the return of the Iowa Class battleships–was placed on Reddit, where the battleship idea drew withering criticism. We tried to assure him that almost all of our ideas draw withering criticism in that venue, but to no avail.

    In search of edification, we passed your remarks to our department heads, one of whom, Grayson Moseley Straith (custodian of our SCIENCE & THE PARANORMAL directorate), instantly grasped the situation. Shockingly, Antarctica incudes that portion of the globe by which the southerly hole to the inner earth may be accessed, making its control vital to any nation invested in penetrating our planet’s interior and forging onward (inward?) to the city of Shambhala, where secrets of tremendous military and esoteric value—including anti-gravity propulsion and Deepak Chopra’s private email address–are kept in anticipation of the advent of the 25th Kalki king. We don’t pretend to understand much of that, but Doctor Straith assures us it’s all “incredibly significant!”

    This in mind, why are we ceding these territories to Argentina? We recall that in 1947 “Operation Highjump,” organized by Rear Admiral Richard E. Byrd, sought to establish American dominance in the region, but our resolve clearly deteriorated over the decades. Freshly alert to Antarctica’s strategic significance, not to mention the obvious successes Argentina has enjoyed infiltrating while America slept, we contacted the only politician we could think of who serves on both the Subcommittee on Seapower and Projection Forces and the Subcommittee on Emerging Threats and Capabilities.

    According to that congressional authority, one Hank Johnson (D-Georgia), there is little cause for concern. Congressman Johnson assured WOOF that if the Argentine occupation of Antarctica proceeds at its present pace, the continent will capsize within a year or two, drowning the interlopers and leaving the way open for renewed American exploration.

    Well, that’s a load off our minds, and yours too, we suspect! Keep up the wonderful work Brandon—we love your stuff here in the cave!

    –your fans at WOOF

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